Follow along and read about how Ryan spent his final days surrounded by those he loved the most... his FAMILY.

You can follow my blog at: Our life in Letters to Ryan

August 28, 2010


It's Saturday morning and it's CLEANING DAY.
I had been moving some things around in my room and decided to make use of some empty space under my bed. I looked under the bed and started digging out some random things like kids toys, DUST and then found a folded up piece of paper. I opened it up and to my surprise read this:

Tears welled up in my eyes and I just sat there thinking why I had written this note and when. All I could think of was that I left the note on Ryan's pillow because we were going to meet up somewhere...

I just couldn't get over finding this note because it still VERY much applies!

I will see Ryan again...we ALL will.

Love YOU

August 23, 2010

Phone Calls...

My car was in the shop and I had just sold Ryan's smaller car. Not to worry though, I had had a sweet 1970 Chevy truck waiting in the garage for me :)

Since the gas gauge doesn't work on the truck and I worried about running out of gas, I wanted to stop and fill it up.

The last time Max had gassed up the car was this time:
...and he LOVED every single minute!!!

As I was pulling up to the gas station:

MAX: Mom, can I help you?

Me: (Not really wanting the "help", but realizing the last time he helped was with Ryan) SsssssssURE...

MAX: Which button Mom? Press this one? THAT one?

Me: No Max, just wait a second... you need to hold on Bud.

I get everything ready and then let Max press the fuel grade button. He tries to do everything and I'm trying my hardest to be patient (Ryan was usually REALLY patient with the kids). I let him put the nozzle into the tank and pull the handle. A custom gas tank had been put in and the gas pump will NOT shut off on its own when it is full. So after a good 45 bucks had been pumped in, I figured there was enough gas and I take out the nozzle to put it back.

MAX: Mom, it needs more gas!!!

Me: No, I think we are good Buddy. I think that's enough.

MAX: No... it needs more!!! It DOES need more!

Me: (As I am putting Max into the truck and getting him buckled in) No, that was enough.

MAX: No it wasn't Mom, because the last time I helped Daddy, he put in more!

Me: Yeah, maybe Daddy did put more in, but really, that was enough.

MAX: Can you call Daddy and ask him? He would know if it needs more.

Me: No bud, we can't call Daddy and ask him.

MAX: Why?

Me: Because Daddy is in Heaven. We can talk to him anytime, but he won't talk back to us... we can't call.

MAX: Well... you can call Heavenly Father! I'm sure he has the number to call Daddy.

Me: (As tears are streaming down my face...) Yes, we can talk to Heavenly Father anytime too and he always hears us, but there is no number we can call.

MAX: Yes, he has the number to call Daddy. I KNOW he knows the number to call Daddy Mom!

I continue explaining that we can ALWAYS talk to Heavenly Father and Ryan, but there won't be a physical voice speaking back to us or a phone number to call and talk.

Of course, if that was the case, I'd be on the phone ALL the time ;)

August 4, 2010

Things found...

Hallie started school on Tuesday and she LOVES it. Well, it's really that she has an awesome teacher and he is going to make this a fun, FUN year!

For part of her homework today, she needed to find 5 things that she likes or enjoys. The VERY first thing she did was find a picture of Ryan. She went straight to his memory box and pulled out his funeral program. I asked her if she really wanted to take that or find a picture of him instead. She wanted a picture of just him... so she goes right over to my nightstand and gets this framed picture:
She wanted THIS one. Not any others... THIS one.
She kept saying as she held the picture, "oh I LOVE my Daddy! I just LOVE him!"

I TOTALLY agree, I love him AND this picture too!

As I was in her room tonight getting her ready for bed, I found this old journal from last school year...
...and on the cover I read:
This pulled on my heartstrings, but I really do love what she wrote...
"hes grat (he's great). You are the best. xox"

It's SO true!

~Missing and loving you ALWAYS~

August 1, 2010

A special BIRTHDAY surprise

We are BACK!
After our MONTH long vacation, I made it home just in time for a little someones birthday. I couldn't WAIT! Our baby girl, who isn't so baby-ish anymore celebrated her 7th birthday on Wednesday. I have looked forward for this birthday EVERYDAY for the past 2.5 months.

Why you ask?
I guess I am jumping the gun of future posts, but Ryan made videos for the kids for special birthdays/milestones. When Ryan was making the videos, Hallie's birthday was right around the corner. He knew he probably wouldn't still be here for her birthday and he wanted to be sure she would have a special surprise from him, so he made a video for her 7th birthday.

I am so grateful Ryan took the time to make these special gifts and memories for the children. I know they will be forever grateful...


Ryan adored his baby girl and they both shared a special bond. I'm not sure if it was because she was the firstborn, a girl or just his little princess? But one thing I do KNOW for sure is that
Hallie will ALWAYS be a Daddy's girl

Told ya:


Wednesday morning came and I woke up with butterflies in my stomach. I was SO excited for Hallie to enjoy the special gift from her father and so excited to see the love of my life again. I couldn't wait to hear Ryan's voice, hear the advice and words of love he would give Hallie and most of all, to see Hallie's reaction...

When Ryan made the videos he went into the room and taped them alone. While he was taping, we put a note on the door to be quiet and Hallie remembered back to that time. As she was looking at the DVD and with a BIG smile on her face, she said, "Is this the videos that Dad was making? Is Dad on here?"

She was very EXCITED, although I think I was just a TAD bit more than her... (I could have easily gone and watched all the videos but have chosen to wait and watch them as they are given)



I had no idea what he was going to say, but he had lots of advice for Hallie for this upcoming year with school and preparing for her Baptism. He talked about when she was born and the love he has for her... it was wonderful, absolutely wonderful!

We smiled BIG ole' smiles, shed some tears and just enjoyed seeing, hearing and loving our Ryanstone.

Oh how we miss him, but what a WONDERFUL gift he left for all of us.

It was now time for yummiest part of the day... time to

~Make a WISH~

Happy 7th Birthday Sweets, you deserved the best day...

...I hope it was all that and more.

LOVE you,