Notes

It's Saturday morning and it's CLEANING DAY.

I had been moving some things around in my room and decided to make use of some empty space under my bed. I looked under the bed and started digging out some random things like kids toys, DUST and then found a folded up piece of paper. I opened it up and to my surprise read this:

Tears welled up in my eyes and I just sat there thinking why I had written this note and when. All I could think of was that I left the note on Ryan's pillow because we were going to meet up somewhere...

I just couldn't get over finding this note because it still VERY much applies!

I will see Ryan again...we ALL will.

♥Love YOU♥

Phone Calls...

BACKGROUND INFO:

My car was in the shop and I had just sold Ryan's smaller car. Not to worry though, I had had a sweet 1970 Chevy truck waiting in the garage for me :)

Since the gas gauge doesn't work on the truck and I worried about running out of gas, I wanted to stop and fill it up.

The last time Max had gassed up the car was this time:

...and he LOVED every single minute!!!

As I was pulling up to the gas station:

MAX: Mom, can I help you?

Me: (Not really wanting the "help", but realizing the last time he helped was with Ryan) SsssssssURE...

MAX: Which button Mom? Press this one? THAT one?

Me: No Max, just wait a second... you need to hold on Bud.

I get everything ready and then let Max press the fuel grade button. He tries to do everything and I'm trying my hardest to be patient (Ryan was usually REALLY patient with the kids). I let him put the nozzle into the tank and pull the handle. A custom gas tank had been put in and the gas pump will NOT shut off on its own when it is full. So after a good 45 bucks had been pumped in, I figured there was enough gas and I take out the nozzle to put it back.

MAX: Mom, it needs more gas!!!

Me: No, I think we are good Buddy. I think that's enough.

MAX: No... it needs more!!! It DOES need more!

Me: (As I am putting Max into the truck and getting him buckled in) No, that was enough.

MAX: No it wasn't Mom, because the last time I helped Daddy, he put in more!

Me: Yeah, maybe Daddy did put more in, but really, that was enough.

MAX: Can you call Daddy and ask him? He would know if it needs more.

Me: No bud, we can't call Daddy and ask him.

MAX: Why?

Me: Because Daddy is in Heaven. We can talk to him anytime, but he won't talk back to us... we can't call.

MAX: Well... you can call Heavenly Father! I'm sure he has the number to call Daddy.

Me: (As tears are streaming down my face...) Yes, we can talk to Heavenly Father anytime too and he always hears us, but there is no number we can call.

MAX: Yes, he has the number to call Daddy. I KNOW he knows the number to call Daddy Mom!

I continue explaining that we can ALWAYS talk to Heavenly Father and Ryan, but there won't be a physical voice speaking back to us or a phone number to call and talk.

Of course, if that was the case, I'd be on the phone ALL the time ;)

Things found...

Hallie started school on Tuesday and she LOVES it. Well, it's really that she has an awesome teacher and he is going to make this a fun, FUN year!

For part of her homework today, she needed to find 5 things that she likes or enjoys. The VERY first thing she did was find a picture of Ryan. She went straight to his memory box and pulled out his funeral program. I asked her if she really wanted to take that or find a picture of him instead. She wanted a picture of just him... so she goes right over to my nightstand and gets this framed picture:

She wanted THIS one. Not any others... THIS one.

She kept saying as she held the picture, "oh I LOVE my Daddy! I just LOVE him!"

I TOTALLY agree, I love him AND this picture too!

*

As I was in her room tonight getting her ready for bed, I found this old journal from last school year...

...and on the cover I read:

This pulled on my heartstrings, but I really do love what she wrote...

"hes grat (he's great). You are the best. xox"

It's SO true!

~Missing and loving you ALWAYS~

xoxo

A special BIRTHDAY surprise

We are BACK!

After our MONTH long vacation, I made it home just in time for a little someones birthday. I couldn't WAIT! Our baby girl, who isn't so baby-ish anymore celebrated her 7th birthday on Wednesday. I have looked forward for this birthday EVERYDAY for the past 2.5 months.

Why you ask?

I guess I am jumping the gun of future posts, but Ryan made videos for the kids for special birthdays/milestones. When Ryan was making the videos, Hallie's birthday was right around the corner. He knew he probably wouldn't still be here for her birthday and he wanted to be sure she would have a special surprise from him, so he made a video for her 7th birthday.

I am so grateful Ryan took the time to make these special gifts and memories for the children. I know they will be forever grateful...

***

Ryan adored his baby girl and they both shared a special bond. I'm not sure if it was because she was the firstborn, a girl or just his little princess? But one thing I do KNOW for sure is that

Hallie will ALWAYS be a Daddy's girl

Told ya:

L.O.V.E

*

Wednesday morning came and I woke up with butterflies in my stomach. I was SO excited for Hallie to enjoy the special gift from her father and so excited to see the love of my life again. I couldn't wait to hear Ryan's voice, hear the advice and words of love he would give Hallie and most of all, to see Hallie's reaction...

When Ryan made the videos he went into the room and taped them alone. While he was taping, we put a note on the door to be quiet and Hallie remembered back to that time. As she was looking at the DVD and with a BIG smile on her face, she said, "Is this the videos that Dad was making? Is Dad on here?"

She was very EXCITED, although I think I was just a TAD bit more than her... (I could have easily gone and watched all the videos but have chosen to wait and watch them as they are given)

...the ANTICIPATION

Ry!!!!!

I had no idea what he was going to say, but he had lots of advice for Hallie for this upcoming year with school and preparing for her Baptism. He talked about when she was born and the love he has for her... it was wonderful, absolutely wonderful!

We smiled BIG ole' smiles, shed some tears and just enjoyed seeing, hearing and loving our Ryanstone.

Oh how we miss him, but what a WONDERFUL gift he left for all of us.

*

It was now time for yummiest part of the day... time to

~Make a WISH~

Happy 7th Birthday Sweets, you deserved the best day...

...I hope it was all that and more.

LOVE you,

Mom

Car Conversations...

Hallie: Mom...what's wrong? Why are you crying?
Hallie: What's wrong Mom? Mom...
Hallie: Mom, why are you crying?

Me: Because... (still not able to answer)

Hallie: Why are you crying Mom?

Me: Because I really miss Dad right now...

Hallie takes our her notepad and starts writing a note (she LOVES to write notes) and then hands it to me.

It reads: I bet Dad is prople sitting next to you. Love, Hallie

Hallie: Mom, see that word right there, that says probably. I just wanted you to know
that!

Me: Aww, thanks Hallie, that is a really nice note.

(Then she leans forward and taps her hand on the passenger side seat)

Hallie: Like RIGHT HERE Mom, I bet Dad is sitting right here!

Then she hands me her special stuffed animal that has a voice recorded message from Ryan inside of it. I play it once, it brings a smile to my face and the comfort I needed, I wipe my tears, thank Hallie and we continue on with the drive.

Then an hour or so later...

Hallie: Hey mom, do you like driving home?

Me: Not really, but it's okay...

Hallie: Well, if I had a magic wand, I would make it so you would be home instantly and then
you wouldn't have to drive anymore!

Me: That would be ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL, I'd LOVE that Sweetie!!!!!

Max: Ya and if I had a magic wand, I'd have MORE magic wands!

Hallie: And you know what else I would do with that magic wand?

Me: What?

Hallie: I would bring daddy back...
Max: Me too, me too!!!! I'd bring Daddy back!!!

Hallie: He would come back being sick though
Max: Ya, Daddy would be sick

Hallie: ... and THEN, we would put ALL our magic wands together and make him not sick
anymore and then he could give us piggy back rides and he would be able to hug you
really strong. That would be GREAT huh Mom?

Me: (as tears are streaming down my face because I wish that could be true) Yes, that
would be wonderful!!!

That little Hallie sure knows how to cheer me up and add that extra bit of sunshine I need to brighten my day. She is a special little girl and I am so lucky to have her happiness, light and love in my life.

Pretty NEAT...

I received this in my INBOX YESTERDAY:

*

Congratulations!

Based on reader votes, you are a finalist for the 2010 BlogLuxe Awards! Thank you for writing such organized/amazing/beautiful/hilarious/inspiring/fun/over the edge/tasty/downright awesome blogs!

Two winners from each category chosen by our VIP "Academy" will be announced at the Avery SocialLuxe Lounge in New York City on August 5, 2010.

*

Thank you to everyone that voted and most importantly...

THANK YOU to everyone that has come along and been a part of Team Ryan. To everyone who has supported Ryan and our entire family throughout this journey, we couldn't have done it without all your LOVE and SUPPORT.

To all of YOU- Thank you SO MUCH!

Love to ALL

*

***FOREVER TEAM RYAN***

(More posts coming soon... I've been enjoying a lilttle vacay with the fam)

4th of July reminiscing...

The past week has been hard for many reasons. Lots of 1sts and lots of reminiscing...

It was exactly one year ago today that Ryan was released from the hospital after undergoing his first round of chemo. After 3 weeks in the hospital, we couldn't have asked for a better way to spend our 4th of July. It truly was an INDEPENDENCE DAY.

As much as I wish he were still here to celebrate this 4th of July with us tonight... I know that he is free from so many other things that confined him over this past year. That knowledge brings me so much peace and I know that he is ALWAYS near in spirit.

I am proud and grateful to be an American.

I so very thankful for all my freedoms that I can enjoy on a daily basis because of honorable service people who have fought and who continue to fight for all of us- THANK YOU!

So much to be grateful for, ALWAYS...

Happy 4th of JULY

Thank YOU!

I got a pretty cool e-mail last night...

Someone(s) has nominated TEAM RYAN over at Social LUXE Lounge for the MOST Inspiring blog.

THANK YOU- It means a lot!

* Actual BlogLuxe award has no cash value. The goal of the BlogLuxe awards is to encourage recognition amongst peers.

1 vote PER day

Go HERE to vote or click the button on the sidebar.

Seriously...

THANK YOU for all the support that you have shown our family.

TEAM RYAN FOREVER

A telling fortune...

After a soccer-filled day, Ryan had a special visit from his boss, Dr. Dancho. Dr. Dancho presented Ryan with a certificate of completion of his 1st year of his residency.

With his first year under his belt, he could officially perform surgery.

Way to GO Ry!

Ryan showing the family his certificate

Ryan was excited and proud of a 1st year well done. It meant a lot for him to receive the certificate. He was so happy that he wanted to go out and celebrate and treat everyone for dinner. He was craving Chinese... so off we went for some YUMMY Chinese food.

Ry and his little sis, Jessica

Ry and his sister, Jennifer

Everyone reading their fortunes

Then Ryan picks up his fortune.

(Keep in mind that there was 12 of us at the restaurant)

Out of the 12 fortunes, this is the one Ryan picked and it read:

After Ryan read this, I started crying and Hallie says, "That's right Daddy, you're almost to heaven!"

Ryan looked up at her with a smile on his face and said, "Yup..."

I keep the fortune in my wallet and take a look at it now and then.

He IS there...

and that knowledge brings so much comfort and peace.

~Love You~

FOREVER TEAM RYAN

POSTS COMING SOON

I have been horrible about putting these final posts out and I DO have good reasons :)

1) I have had family in town helping me get back into the swing of things and I've LOVED spending every minute with them.

2) The more I post= the sooner the blog will come to an end. The THOUGHT of this blog ending is sad for me for many reasons. I don't want to DRAG it out, but I am not in any HUGE rush either. Bare with me...

Please don't forget about TEAM RYAN!

There are plenty more memories to be shared with ALL of you

The journey...

It was this very week, one year ago, that Ryan had his first bone marrow biopsy, found out the exact type of cancer he had, was told he had less than a 50% chance to live and that he would start chemo within days. It was a LOT to take in all at once, but Ryan had no hesitation. He knew what he was going to be fighting for... his family, his life and everything that he loved.

He fought, and he fought HARD. He fought until there was nothing more that modern medicine could do to help him.

*

He began this journey surrounded by family and love, and he ended this journey surrounded by family and love.

The journey of living, laughing, putting complete trust and faith in God, and making the MOST out of life with those he LOVED the most...

his family.

*

And so, I begin the final chapters of Ryan's journey...

The day we found out that there was NOTHING more that could be done medically to help Ryan, was the day that we told the kids that Daddy was going to die.

That night, we kept Hallie up and talked JUST to her. It was hard, for all of us. We tried to make the conversation as joyous and peaceful as possible and in doing so, Ryan explained several things. He told her that he would ALWAYS be with us, that he would be FREE from all pain and sickness, and most importantly, that he was going to return Home to Heavenly Father and Jesus.

Ryan then asked Hallie if she had any special things she wanted to do with him and she said, "I want you to come to my book fair and make cookies with me."

The next morning, he headed off to the book fair with his little girl:

While in the book fair, Hallie's teacher (Mrs. Nelson) just happened to walk in and said that the class had just finished planting a tree for Earth Day in Ryan's honor...

The Ryan Hess Memorial Tree

It is so neat that Hallie will be able to see this tree EVERY day at school. Another reminder for her of her Dad and the LOVE that so many people have for him and our family.

***

I skipped out in mentioning a while back that Ryan had created a bucket list. A couple of the things on that list were:

1) Buy and restore a (1968-1972) Chevy Truck

2) Take Margie to Hawaii or some other tropical place

Well, around his birthday, he found a 1970 Chevy Truck. He went and looked at it and really, it was LOVE at first sight! He wanted it and wanted it bad. He gave me EVERY reason why to get it, and I think I gave him every reason why we shouldn't get a third (clunker of a) car. Then he says, "Margie, it was one of the things on my bucket list... I've ALWAYS wanted a truck around this year. I found it! It's in GREAT condition and it has a SWEET motor- You will LOVE it!"

How could I say "NO" to that?!? He had found his DREAM car!!!

We all began to love his truck. And Yes, I do love the motor- it does sound pretty dang sweet!!!

The kids LOVED going for rides with Dad in the truck and Ryan LOVED revving his engine in the garage and around town.

He really only got to enjoy his truck for about 3 weeks before his cancer came back. When he was in the hospital, he would ask if we were starting the truck up for him. Upon each arrival home, it was one of the FIRST things he would do. Sometimes he was too sick to drive it around, but he would at least start it up, just to hear that "SWEET motor..."

He wanted to take it to Hallie's book fair, so here are my two FAVORITE boys:

♥ them!

*

By that weekend, all our family was out and we were ALL able to enjoy the kids playing soccer.

This was a picture of Max after he scored his FIRST goal! He took it down and scored into his OWN team's goal. Just look at that happy face...he was SO proud and we were too.

I think of everything that happened at the soccer games, this next picture meant the MOST to me. Ryan was really weak during his final weeks and he had to use a wheelchair a good majority of the time. Getting up and moving around required a lot of work and effort.

I don't think the kids realized how neat it was for Ryan to get up to do this...

but it is something I won't EVER forget.

***

We are a forever family...

Forever TEAM RYAN HESS

(more posts coming soon)