Team Ryan- Fight CANCER together

A year ago today...

2011-05-17T00:48:00.002-07:00

I still remember that day, it is so vivid in my mind. It was early in the morning and I can see the dim lamp on in the room, the shadows of everything else all around. I decided to crawl into your bed and say a few things...

During your fight with cancer, we talked about EVERYTHING and ANYthing. There was nothing left undiscussed. From the sad, to the serious, to the funny and happy topics, we talked about it ALL. But on this very morning one year ago, I still wanted you to know ONE more time how I felt.

As I lay there next to your tired, resting body, I began by thanking you. I was in awe of everything you had been through and the way you carried yourself through it all. Years of serious complications from your Chron's Disease, to your almost 1 year battle with cancer, you NEVER complained. I thanked you for your courage to keep fighting, when it would have been easy to give up. You continually remained faithful, hopeful and optimistic. You are an example that I will never forget and only hope to emulate as time continues to go on. I thanked you for taking such great care of the kids and I. You were our provider from day one, and you did everything in your power to make sure we had the things we needed and yes, wanted too ;) I was so grateful for that final trip we took to California just days before and I thanked you for giving me that time. I was so lucky to have found someone so wonderful and good to me. I was so thankful for the 9.5 years you blessed my life. I couldn't have asked for someone better to be the father of our children. How thankful I was for your devotion to our family. I know it was your family that helped keep you going during that last year and I was extremely thankful for that.

Next, I told you how much I loved you. I married my best friend, you truly were the light of my life. You made me the happiest at times and drove me crazy at times, but no matter what, our love was SO strong. I told you EVERY day that I loved you- there was NO doubt that I loved you with all my heart. But the moment the Dr told us this was going to be the "end," I made sure to say "I LOVE YOU'' at every chance I had. Every time you opened your eyes and EVERY time they closed again, I made sure to say it because I never knew when it would be the last. I love you babe, always and forever.

Then came the hardest words to say...

If it was time, then it was time.

I told you that I was okay with everything- you had fought long and hard enough and your poor body was SO tired. I wanted you to know that the kids and I would be okay. Of course we would ALL miss you like crazy, but that we would be okay. I thanked you some more, told you I love you some more and I am sure said a million more things to you, but those things are for you and I to always hold close to our hearts, remember and cherish forever...

I got out of bed, gave your head a kiss and laid down on the couch next to you and watched you sleep.

The rest of morning/day was spent watching your tired body sleep until it was time. Watching those final breaths was so heartbreaking, but lovely at the same time because I KNEW where you were going. I KNEW that you were finally at peace and could live full of life and joy until we are reunited once again. At that very moment, I had a peace come over me that has NEVER left and I am so eternally grateful for that.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and wonder what you are up to. I often find myself wondering what you would have done or said in particular situations and find myself laughing at my response. When I am frustrated with something, I find myself talking out loud asking you to help me out. On the other hand, when I am really happy and proud about something, I find myself squealing in excitement asking if you are just as proud and/or happy for the kids and I too. I miss having my best friend, my lover, my helper, my tease, my confidant, my peacemaker, my light and my love by my side, but i know you are there. At the end of the day, when I get into bed without you, I give thanks that I had 8 years to have you by my side.

Thank you.

I love you.

and of course...

I WILL see you again.

Love and MISS you so very, very much.

{Ryan's Life slide show}

Lastly, Happy Birthday to your sweet Mom.

Debra, I hope this day is full of love and peace.

Thank you for raising such a beautiful, beautiful boy...

With all my heart Babe- i LOVE you.

Love,

Surprise!

2011-04-18T21:50:00.013-07:00

Ryan loved surprises.

He loved being on the receiving end, but equally as much, he enjoyed being on the giving end.

With his Dad's 60th birthday approaching and knowing ALL his siblings would be out, Ryan wanted to plan something fun and SPECIAL- Ryan's dad LOVES Western movies, guns and all things related. So, what could be better than a trip to TOMBSTONE, AZ with the entire family?!?

{Tombstone, AZ is formerly a mining boomtown and most famous for its history as a frontier town on the edge of the American frontier, the Wild West and the site of the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral- borrowed from Wikepedia}

So, OFF we went...

Ryan's dad had NO idea where we were going, so he was pleasantly surprised when we pulled up for this:

The trolley ride was entertaining, informational and totally recommended!

Our next stop:

A fun place to eat and watch a gunfight

The Birthday Boy:

The Fam

♥

~Families ARE Forever~

Aunt Anna and Hallie

The big Hess Boys:

this little Hessner was in his GLORY with all these guns

Yup, a sign for our very own Ryanstone Cowboy:

After the checking out all the shops, the trip wouldn't have been complete without some Old Time Western photos:

It was perfect: the weather, the togetherness, the fun, and most importantly-the memories created...

***FOREVER Team RYAN***

Time for an update:

2011-03-07T07:11:00.007-07:00

I can't believe that I haven't made a "real" post since the BEGINNING of November- WOW! These final posts are definitely going to be hard and I think subconsciously that has a LOT to do with why I keep putting off writing the final entries.

We are coming up on Ryan's 1 year anniversary and what a year it has been. Looking back, I feel like Ryan would be proud of how we have all continued to carry on since his passing. There have definitely been many tears shed this past year, but also many smiles and laughs thinking of Ryan and the amazing life he lived.

I look forward to sharing the remaining final weeks with Ryan with ALL of you...

♥,

Margie

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T22:59:00.002-07:00

Wishing a very Merry Christmas to all our family and friends this year.

***May the light and love of Christ fill your hearts and homes this year***

Friends ARE forever...

2010-11-03T21:11:00.008-07:00

While Ryan was off at school or work, he was surrounded by many good people. He often spent more time with some of his classmates and co-workers then with his own family.

What a blessing it is to be surrounded by good, loving people on a daily basis.

When Ryan was told that he only had weeks to live, two of his good friends and classmates called to see if they could come visit. This visit was kind of a big deal... these friends were doing their residency in Chicago and trying to get time off during residency is NOT always EASY. These friends were able to juggle their schedules so they could fly in and out in the same day, taking minimal days off.

Even though their visit was short, the time spent together was priceless. Seeing these boys visit was like old times: they talked school, work, life... it was like no time or distance had changed. I know how much it meant for Ryan to see Joe and Marc...

~Thanks guys... for EVERYTHING~

* * *

When residency first started, Ryan would come home and tell me about everyone and how much he enjoyed his work. He was was really excited to be working with such a great group of people.

You know how some people come into your life and you just "click" with them? Well, that is how Ryan felt about Pete. He often talked about wanting to be like Pete, both in his personal life and professionally...he really looked up to and admired Pete.

Before Ryan passed away, Pete came down to check out Ryan's 3rd baby- his truck:

Thanks Pete for being such an example to Ryan...

Not only are families forever... but so are friendships.

I am so grateful for the wonderful people we have met over the years and for the friendships that have been made as a result.

***TEAM RYAN FOREVER***

(Man, I can barely type. These final posts are going to be hard, bare with me ;)

Love Letters...

2010-10-24T21:08:00.003-07:00

People ask me all the time how the kids and I are doing...

Very well.

I think some people may think it is just a front I put on or just something to say, but really, we are all doing good.

I want to keep the TEAM RYAN blog mainly about Ryan and the wonderful life he lived, but still keep everyone up to date with our little family.

I am really excited to invite everyone to MY blog called DEAR RYAN.

I am still in the process of trying to get the layout all worked out and since I am not super computer savvy, it's definitely a work in progress... but I'm getting there. In the mean time, I hope you enjoy the updates on how we are "really" doing.

The blog will definitely be full of pictures (did you expect anything different from me?!?), day to day stuff, thoughts, reflections and just complete openness as we continue to keep chugging along :)

Come visit:

http://dearryno.blogspot.com/

Thanks to EVERYONE for all the love and support

~FOREVER TEAM RYAN~

Sneak Peak

2010-10-20T22:44:00.006-07:00

This past week the kids and I took a trip up to Wyoming/Utah during Hallie's Fall Break.

We came to visit family and to see Ryan's headstone.

I am getting a little ahead of myself- I still haven't even blogged about all the amazing things we did with Ryan before he passed away, but I was so excited to give you a little peak of this past week:

Beautiful COUNTRY life

Playing outside ALL day long

and a little glimpse of the HEADSTONE...

The trip was great...

Nothing is better than being surrounded by those you LOVE!

***TEAM RYAN FOREVER***

Oh HAPPY Day...

2010-09-27T12:36:00.057-07:00

I celebrated my birthday and it was one of the BEST birthday's EVER!!!

I have never been one to get super excited or be sad about turning one year older, but this year was a little different.

When friends would ask me if I was excited to do something fun for my birthday, I had mixed feelings- yes and no. I was definitely excited to get out and celebrate, but at the same time not really looking forward to it because the ONE thing I wanted and would WISH for wouldn't be there. I usually started to tear up when people asked, because really, I just wanted Ryan. I just wanted to hear him say, " Happy Birthday Babe!" or just to get a glimpse of those beautiful blue eyes staring at me as I opened my presents and blew out my candles. So the thought of NOT having that, made me really sad.

As my birthday neared, the mailbox was often filled with cards and packages from family and friends. I would take them inside and place them neatly on the bed in the spare bedroom. It was fun to walk by that room every day and see all the cards and gifts that were piling up JUST for me.

For birthdays, I always lay out the presents in the kitchen for the birthday person to wake up to. But it's just not the same when you are doing this for yourself, so I just left mine in the spare bedroom.

So on the morning of my birthday, I got Hallie ready for school and as she is eating breakfast she asks if I could save my presents for opening until after she gets home from school. I happily agreed and then decided to start taking all the present from the spare bedroom and put them out in the kitchen. (I guess I kind of wanted to see my presents out in the kitchen after all) As I started bringing them over, Hallie says, "MOM, can you open them NOW?!?!?!?"

"Of course" I told her.

I was really glad she asked me to open them because secretly, I did NOT want to wait!

I started off with my Birthday CARDS, reading all of them out loud to the kids. Some made me laugh really hard and others brought a smile and tear to my face.

~ It was now time for my presents~

I opened my first few gifts and was VERY excited with the contents inside... then I moved on to my two last gifts.

I opened the first and cried after reading the sweet note Ryan's mom enclosed with it and then moved on to my last present. I saw a card on the bottom of the present and decided to start with it. As I was opening the envelope, I saw ANOTHER envelope. Another envelope- WHAT?!?

****

***

(My heart started beating REALLY, really FAST and hard!)

***

****

As I pulled it out, I saw this:

and then this:

As soon as I saw that handwriting, I knew who it was from and well... I just cried.

I cried so much I really couldn't do much else because I couldn't see through all the tears.

Still TOTALLY crying, I open up the envelope to see this cute, glittery card:

...and the kids just stood there staring.

The kids stood there waiting for me to read the card and I couldn't get ANYTHING out. Finally Hallie says, "Mom... who is it from?" I couldn't even say, "Your Dad." So, she walked up next to me and began reading it and says, "Oh... it's from Daddy!" I just smiled and then tried my hardest to read through all the tears:

♥

I finally made it to the end and let's just say it was the BEST present EVER, BIGGEST surprise and the BEST way to start off my Birthday morning!!!

I had absolutely NO idea I would be getting that card. My day could have ended RIGHT then an I would have been SO happy and content, but my day was just beginning.

Plenty more surprises awaited...

♥

I noticed cars had been honking early in the morning, but didn't think much of it...

Well, some pretty clever friends decided to make signs for the front yard that said,

"HONK for Margie's Birthday"

I laughed really hard realizing that all those honks at 6:30 am were for ME :)
Then a few of my other friends and their kids decorated my front door and porch with balloons and my garage with a HUGE "Happy Birthday Margie" sign. I especially loved the zebra print letters- very cute!

Thanks guys... so thoughtful and cute!

I ♥ my friends!

It was now time for breakfast with some of my closest friends

Yum!

... and then lunch with these special ladies

My morning and afternoon were spent eating and chatting with my BEST friends- food and fun, can't beat that!

Night came and I headed over to a friends house for some yummy cake and ice cream, except it wasn't really JUST cake and ice cream but....

~A ToTALly AweSoMe (surprise) 80's BirThDay BaSH~

What made the party even AWESOMer was that I had two VERY special people come and surprise me.

Not only did they drive 12+ hours to be there, but they also dressed up:

I laughed SO hard at my dad's faux-leather pants and my moms stirrup pants and jacket with BIG shoulder pads.

Parents and a party were just the icing on the cake to an already wonderful day!

*I LOVE my PARENTS*

and

my AMAZING friends that did SO much to make my birthday EXTRA special.

I really couldn't have asked for a better day. Pretty much everything I wanted I got...

and one day, I will get my EVERYTHING.

♥

Thank you friends and family for the thoughtful cards, gifts and for ALL the birthday love.

To describe the day in one word: PERFECT!

***TEAM RYAN FOREVER***

Needed PRAYERS

2010-09-10T16:03:00.008-07:00

I have been in contact with MANY people over the past year and it has been so touching to see the outpouring of LOVE and SUPPORT that has come to our family- THANK YOU everyone!

A fellow reader (and friend) of the TEAM RYAN blog recently wrote me to say that her husband is entering the final stage of his cancer, where medical treatment is no longer possible. My heart sunk reading the e mail because it was not very long ago that we were going through the same thing. I remember the sadness that I felt at that time and what got me through and kept me going was the strength I received from all the prayers.

I am asking all of you to remember Paul and his family in your thoughts and prayers. The power of prayer is such a real and powerful thing. I hope that Paul can have the time he needs to say goodbye and that his entire family can have the strength and peace they need to get through this difficult time.

***

I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has given us the opportunity to be with our loved ones here on earth and for the knowledge to know that we WILL be reunited again.

~God BLESS~

Notes

2010-08-28T11:22:00.015-07:00

It's Saturday morning and it's CLEANING DAY.

I had been moving some things around in my room and decided to make use of some empty space under my bed. I looked under the bed and started digging out some random things like kids toys, DUST and then found a folded up piece of paper. I opened it up and to my surprise read this:

Tears welled up in my eyes and I just sat there thinking why I had written this note and when. All I could think of was that I left the note on Ryan's pillow because we were going to meet up somewhere...

I just couldn't get over finding this note because it still VERY much applies!

I will see Ryan again...we ALL will.

♥Love YOU♥

Phone Calls...

2010-08-23T11:28:00.005-07:00

BACKGROUND INFO:

My car was in the shop and I had just sold Ryan's smaller car. Not to worry though, I had had a sweet 1970 Chevy truck waiting in the garage for me :)

Since the gas gauge doesn't work on the truck and I worried about running out of gas, I wanted to stop and fill it up.

The last time Max had gassed up the car was this time:

...and he LOVED every single minute!!!

As I was pulling up to the gas station:

MAX: Mom, can I help you?

Me: (Not really wanting the "help", but realizing the last time he helped was with Ryan) SsssssssURE...

MAX: Which button Mom? Press this one? THAT one?

Me: No Max, just wait a second... you need to hold on Bud.

I get everything ready and then let Max press the fuel grade button. He tries to do everything and I'm trying my hardest to be patient (Ryan was usually REALLY patient with the kids). I let him put the nozzle into the tank and pull the handle. A custom gas tank had been put in and the gas pump will NOT shut off on its own when it is full. So after a good 45 bucks had been pumped in, I figured there was enough gas and I take out the nozzle to put it back.

MAX: Mom, it needs more gas!!!

Me: No, I think we are good Buddy. I think that's enough.

MAX: No... it needs more!!! It DOES need more!

Me: (As I am putting Max into the truck and getting him buckled in) No, that was enough.

MAX: No it wasn't Mom, because the last time I helped Daddy, he put in more!

Me: Yeah, maybe Daddy did put more in, but really, that was enough.

MAX: Can you call Daddy and ask him? He would know if it needs more.

Me: No bud, we can't call Daddy and ask him.

MAX: Why?

Me: Because Daddy is in Heaven. We can talk to him anytime, but he won't talk back to us... we can't call.

MAX: Well... you can call Heavenly Father! I'm sure he has the number to call Daddy.

Me: (As tears are streaming down my face...) Yes, we can talk to Heavenly Father anytime too and he always hears us, but there is no number we can call.

MAX: Yes, he has the number to call Daddy. I KNOW he knows the number to call Daddy Mom!

I continue explaining that we can ALWAYS talk to Heavenly Father and Ryan, but there won't be a physical voice speaking back to us or a phone number to call and talk.

Of course, if that was the case, I'd be on the phone ALL the time ;)

Things found...

2010-08-04T22:45:00.026-07:00

Hallie started school on Tuesday and she LOVES it. Well, it's really that she has an awesome teacher and he is going to make this a fun, FUN year!

For part of her homework today, she needed to find 5 things that she likes or enjoys. The VERY first thing she did was find a picture of Ryan. She went straight to his memory box and pulled out his funeral program. I asked her if she really wanted to take that or find a picture of him instead. She wanted a picture of just him... so she goes right over to my nightstand and gets this framed picture:

She wanted THIS one. Not any others... THIS one.

She kept saying as she held the picture, "oh I LOVE my Daddy! I just LOVE him!"

I TOTALLY agree, I love him AND this picture too!

As I was in her room tonight getting her ready for bed, I found this old journal from last school year...

...and on the cover I read:

This pulled on my heartstrings, but I really do love what she wrote...

"hes grat (he's great). You are the best. xox"

It's SO true!

~Missing and loving you ALWAYS~

xoxo

A special BIRTHDAY surprise

2010-08-01T00:12:00.030-07:00

We are BACK!

After our MONTH long vacation, I made it home just in time for a little someones birthday. I couldn't WAIT! Our baby girl, who isn't so baby-ish anymore celebrated her 7th birthday on Wednesday. I have looked forward for this birthday EVERYDAY for the past 2.5 months.

Why you ask?

I guess I am jumping the gun of future posts, but Ryan made videos for the kids for special birthdays/milestones. When Ryan was making the videos, Hallie's birthday was right around the corner. He knew he probably wouldn't still be here for her birthday and he wanted to be sure she would have a special surprise from him, so he made a video for her 7th birthday.

I am so grateful Ryan took the time to make these special gifts and memories for the children. I know they will be forever grateful...

***

Ryan adored his baby girl and they both shared a special bond. I'm not sure if it was because she was the firstborn, a girl or just his little princess? But one thing I do KNOW for sure is that

Hallie will ALWAYS be a Daddy's girl

Told ya:

L.O.V.E

Wednesday morning came and I woke up with butterflies in my stomach. I was SO excited for Hallie to enjoy the special gift from her father and so excited to see the love of my life again. I couldn't wait to hear Ryan's voice, hear the advice and words of love he would give Hallie and most of all, to see Hallie's reaction...

When Ryan made the videos he went into the room and taped them alone. While he was taping, we put a note on the door to be quiet and Hallie remembered back to that time. As she was looking at the DVD and with a BIG smile on her face, she said, "Is this the videos that Dad was making? Is Dad on here?"

She was very EXCITED, although I think I was just a TAD bit more than her... (I could have easily gone and watched all the videos but have chosen to wait and watch them as they are given)

...the ANTICIPATION

Ry!!!!!

I had no idea what he was going to say, but he had lots of advice for Hallie for this upcoming year with school and preparing for her Baptism. He talked about when she was born and the love he has for her... it was wonderful, absolutely wonderful!

We smiled BIG ole' smiles, shed some tears and just enjoyed seeing, hearing and loving our Ryanstone.

Oh how we miss him, but what a WONDERFUL gift he left for all of us.

It was now time for yummiest part of the day... time to

~Make a WISH~

Happy 7th Birthday Sweets, you deserved the best day...

...I hope it was all that and more.

LOVE you,

Mom

Car Conversations...

2010-07-27T00:19:00.010-07:00

Hallie: Mom...what's wrong? Why are you crying?
Hallie: What's wrong Mom? Mom...
Hallie: Mom, why are you crying?

Me: Because... (still not able to answer)

Hallie: Why are you crying Mom?

Me: Because I really miss Dad right now...

Hallie takes our her notepad and starts writing a note (she LOVES to write notes) and then hands it to me.

It reads: I bet Dad is prople sitting next to you. Love, Hallie

Hallie: Mom, see that word right there, that says probably. I just wanted you to know
that!

Me: Aww, thanks Hallie, that is a really nice note.

(Then she leans forward and taps her hand on the passenger side seat)

Hallie: Like RIGHT HERE Mom, I bet Dad is sitting right here!

Then she hands me her special stuffed animal that has a voice recorded message from Ryan inside of it. I play it once, it brings a smile to my face and the comfort I needed, I wipe my tears, thank Hallie and we continue on with the drive.

Then an hour or so later...

Hallie: Hey mom, do you like driving home?

Me: Not really, but it's okay...

Hallie: Well, if I had a magic wand, I would make it so you would be home instantly and then
you wouldn't have to drive anymore!

Me: That would be ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL, I'd LOVE that Sweetie!!!!!

Max: Ya and if I had a magic wand, I'd have MORE magic wands!

Hallie: And you know what else I would do with that magic wand?

Me: What?

Hallie: I would bring daddy back...
Max: Me too, me too!!!! I'd bring Daddy back!!!

Hallie: He would come back being sick though
Max: Ya, Daddy would be sick

Hallie: ... and THEN, we would put ALL our magic wands together and make him not sick
anymore and then he could give us piggy back rides and he would be able to hug you
really strong. That would be GREAT huh Mom?

Me: (as tears are streaming down my face because I wish that could be true) Yes, that
would be wonderful!!!

That little Hallie sure knows how to cheer me up and add that extra bit of sunshine I need to brighten my day. She is a special little girl and I am so lucky to have her happiness, light and love in my life.

Pretty NEAT...

2010-07-21T21:05:00.012-07:00

I received this in my INBOX YESTERDAY:

Congratulations!

Based on reader votes, you are a finalist for the 2010 BlogLuxe Awards! Thank you for writing such organized/amazing/beautiful/hilarious/inspiring/fun/over the edge/tasty/downright awesome blogs!

Two winners from each category chosen by our VIP "Academy" will be announced at the Avery SocialLuxe Lounge in New York City on August 5, 2010.

Thank you to everyone that voted and most importantly...

THANK YOU to everyone that has come along and been a part of Team Ryan. To everyone who has supported Ryan and our entire family throughout this journey, we couldn't have done it without all your LOVE and SUPPORT.

To all of YOU- Thank you SO MUCH!

Love to ALL

***FOREVER TEAM RYAN***

(More posts coming soon... I've been enjoying a lilttle vacay with the fam)

4th of July reminiscing...

2010-07-04T20:46:00.010-07:00

The past week has been hard for many reasons. Lots of 1sts and lots of reminiscing...

It was exactly one year ago today that Ryan was released from the hospital after undergoing his first round of chemo. After 3 weeks in the hospital, we couldn't have asked for a better way to spend our 4th of July. It truly was an INDEPENDENCE DAY.

As much as I wish he were still here to celebrate this 4th of July with us tonight... I know that he is free from so many other things that confined him over this past year. That knowledge brings me so much peace and I know that he is ALWAYS near in spirit.

I am proud and grateful to be an American.

I so very thankful for all my freedoms that I can enjoy on a daily basis because of honorable service people who have fought and who continue to fight for all of us- THANK YOU!

So much to be grateful for, ALWAYS...

Happy 4th of JULY

Thank YOU!

2010-06-29T08:31:00.004-07:00

I got a pretty cool e-mail last night...

Someone(s) has nominated TEAM RYAN over at Social LUXE Lounge for the MOST Inspiring blog.

THANK YOU- It means a lot!

* Actual BlogLuxe award has no cash value. The goal of the BlogLuxe awards is to encourage recognition amongst peers.

1 vote PER day

Go HERE to vote or click the button on the sidebar.

Seriously...
THANK YOU for all the support that you have shown our family.

TEAM RYAN FOREVER

A telling fortune...

2010-06-24T16:50:00.003-07:00

After a soccer-filled day, Ryan had a special visit from his boss, Dr. Dancho. Dr. Dancho presented Ryan with a certificate of completion of his 1st year of his residency.

With his first year under his belt, he could officially perform surgery.

Way to GO Ry!

Ryan showing the family his certificate

Ryan was excited and proud of a 1st year well done. It meant a lot for him to receive the certificate. He was so happy that he wanted to go out and celebrate and treat everyone for dinner. He was craving Chinese... so off we went for some YUMMY Chinese food.

Ry and his little sis, Jessica

Ry and his sister, Jennifer

Everyone reading their fortunes

Then Ryan picks up his fortune.

(Keep in mind that there was 12 of us at the restaurant)

Out of the 12 fortunes, this is the one Ryan picked and it read:

After Ryan read this, I started crying and Hallie says, "That's right Daddy, you're almost to heaven!"

Ryan looked up at her with a smile on his face and said, "Yup..."

I keep the fortune in my wallet and take a look at it now and then.

He IS there...

and that knowledge brings so much comfort and peace.

~Love You~

FOREVER TEAM RYAN

POSTS COMING SOON

2010-06-21T09:56:00.004-07:00

I have been horrible about putting these final posts out and I DO have good reasons :)

1) I have had family in town helping me get back into the swing of things and I've LOVED spending every minute with them.

2) The more I post= the sooner the blog will come to an end. The THOUGHT of this blog ending is sad for me for many reasons. I don't want to DRAG it out, but I am not in any HUGE rush either. Bare with me...

Please don't forget about TEAM RYAN!

There are plenty more memories to be shared with ALL of you

The journey...

2010-06-07T23:41:00.018-07:00

It was this very week, one year ago, that Ryan had his first bone marrow biopsy, found out the exact type of cancer he had, was told he had less than a 50% chance to live and that he would start chemo within days. It was a LOT to take in all at once, but Ryan had no hesitation. He knew what he was going to be fighting for... his family, his life and everything that he loved.

He fought, and he fought HARD. He fought until there was nothing more that modern medicine could do to help him.

He began this journey surrounded by family and love, and he ended this journey surrounded by family and love.

The journey of living, laughing, putting complete trust and faith in God, and making the MOST out of life with those he LOVED the most...

his family.

And so, I begin the final chapters of Ryan's journey...

The day we found out that there was NOTHING more that could be done medically to help Ryan, was the day that we told the kids that Daddy was going to die.

That night, we kept Hallie up and talked JUST to her. It was hard, for all of us. We tried to make the conversation as joyous and peaceful as possible and in doing so, Ryan explained several things. He told her that he would ALWAYS be with us, that he would be FREE from all pain and sickness, and most importantly, that he was going to return Home to Heavenly Father and Jesus.

Ryan then asked Hallie if she had any special things she wanted to do with him and she said, "I want you to come to my book fair and make cookies with me."

The next morning, he headed off to the book fair with his little girl:

While in the book fair, Hallie's teacher (Mrs. Nelson) just happened to walk in and said that the class had just finished planting a tree for Earth Day in Ryan's honor...

The Ryan Hess Memorial Tree

It is so neat that Hallie will be able to see this tree EVERY day at school. Another reminder for her of her Dad and the LOVE that so many people have for him and our family.

***

I skipped out in mentioning a while back that Ryan had created a bucket list. A couple of the things on that list were:

1) Buy and restore a (1968-1972) Chevy Truck

2) Take Margie to Hawaii or some other tropical place

Well, around his birthday, he found a 1970 Chevy Truck. He went and looked at it and really, it was LOVE at first sight! He wanted it and wanted it bad. He gave me EVERY reason why to get it, and I think I gave him every reason why we shouldn't get a third (clunker of a) car. Then he says, "Margie, it was one of the things on my bucket list... I've ALWAYS wanted a truck around this year. I found it! It's in GREAT condition and it has a SWEET motor- You will LOVE it!"

How could I say "NO" to that?!? He had found his DREAM car!!!

We all began to love his truck. And Yes, I do love the motor- it does sound pretty dang sweet!!!

The kids LOVED going for rides with Dad in the truck and Ryan LOVED revving his engine in the garage and around town.

He really only got to enjoy his truck for about 3 weeks before his cancer came back. When he was in the hospital, he would ask if we were starting the truck up for him. Upon each arrival home, it was one of the FIRST things he would do. Sometimes he was too sick to drive it around, but he would at least start it up, just to hear that "SWEET motor..."

He wanted to take it to Hallie's book fair, so here are my two FAVORITE boys:

♥ them!

By that weekend, all our family was out and we were ALL able to enjoy the kids playing soccer.

This was a picture of Max after he scored his FIRST goal! He took it down and scored into his OWN team's goal. Just look at that happy face...he was SO proud and we were too.

I think of everything that happened at the soccer games, this next picture meant the MOST to me. Ryan was really weak during his final weeks and he had to use a wheelchair a good majority of the time. Getting up and moving around required a lot of work and effort.

I don't think the kids realized how neat it was for Ryan to get up to do this...

but it is something I won't EVER forget.

***

We are a forever family...

Forever TEAM RYAN HESS

(more posts coming soon)

Not done yet...

2010-06-04T14:47:00.008-07:00

Just wanted to let you all know that TEAM RYAN isn't done...

I have debated what to do with the blog and I think the BEST thing is to post all the wonderful memories that were made during Ryan's final weeks. I knew I couldn't end the blog with his passing. Ryan's love of life and his family, are so present in so many pictures that I just couldn't pass them up...

I can't wait to share them with you.

"...this earthly existence is merely a twinkle in the eye of eternity."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

Memorial Service Information

2010-05-18T23:08:00.017-07:00

There will be two services- Arizona and Wyoming

ARIZONA MEMORIAL SERVICE

When: Saturday May 22, 2010

Where: Sahuarita LDS Church

17699 S Camino De Las Quintas

SAHUARITA, AZ 85629

Time: 10-11:45- Viewing

12pm- Funeral Service

WYOMING VIEWING

When: Wendsday May 26, 2010

Where: Schwab Funeral Home

44 East 4th Avenue

Afton, WY 83110

Time: 7-9pm

WYOMING FUNERAL SERVICE

When: Thursday May 27, 2010

Where: Smoot LDS Church

3166 State Highway 241

Afton, WY 83110

Time: 10-11:45- Viewing

12pm- Funeral Service

2010-05-17T09:29:00.006-07:00

Ryan peacefully passed away today after fighting the good fight.

I know so many of us prayed and hoped for a miracle of healing in this earthy life... Yet, there were miracles happening before our eyes. I could go on and on about miracles that blessed Ryan and our family over the past year, but really, the past three weeks that we have had with Ryan were a MIRACLE.

Heavenly Father was listening and answering prayers. He blessed Ryan and our family, to have the time we needed to say goodbye... to laugh, to cry, to love and to make some cherished and unforgettable memories.

Ryan has returned back Home...he is free.

He is missed, loved and will never be forgotten.

Welcome Home my Love... Welcome Home

Happiness...

2010-05-13T23:06:00.005-07:00

Point Mugu State Beach, California

This was a text that Ryan sent back to a friend today who asked how things were going:

...took a two hour nap on the beach...ate fresh cherries and whole milk... LIFE IS GREAT!

***It REALLY is***

Prayers for the Harder's

2010-05-11T09:39:00.006-07:00

I have been in contact with a mother whose son was diagnosed with the same Hepatosplenic T-Cell Lymphoma as Ryan.

She notified me to let me know that Rob had fought the fight and courageously returned to be with our Father in Heaven once again. He is HOME, back to where he can live peacefully, free from sickness and pain.

Although I have never had the privilege of meeting Rob, I KNOW that he is a fighter and that he will be reunited with his family once again.

Please keep the Harder family in your prayers, so they can continue to receive the strength and peace they need at this time.

~God Bless You Harder Family~

Feeling SO good...

2010-05-07T19:17:00.002-07:00

I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful another week has been.

Ryan is doing so well that we are going out.

Yes, you read that correctly.

We are GOING out on a date!

Yay Ryan... Yay Me...

Yay US!

***GO TEAM RYAN***

This past week...

2010-05-03T08:30:00.003-07:00

This past week has been AMAZING!

Ryan is still feeling well and we have been having an unbelievably good time with him.

We are so grateful for all these good days. Heavenly Father is answering prayers by allowing us to have this time with Ryan.

Memories are being made that will NEVER be forgotten.

***

Thank you friends and family for all the love you have shown our family.

Thank you for all those who have provided meals, helped watch our children, donated Federal Leave, given financially and so MUCH more. We are so grateful for all those who have offered prayers on behalf of our family.

Our family has been continually blessed from so many generous, loving people.

~THANK YOU~

***GO TEAM RYAN***

2010-04-22T09:06:00.005-07:00

I wanted to let everyone know that a lot has happened in the past week. Ryan has not been doing well and we knew things were not looking good. At his appointment this week, we were told that more treatment is not an option at this point because his body is not recovering the way it needs to in order to receive more chemo.

So, we will be starting hospice today and the doctor is giving Ryan approximately 2 weeks.

Although we feel much sadness, we also have so much joy in our hearts with the knowledge that we have:

We KNOW that this is God's will and that Ryan will return to be with our Heavenly Father, free of pain and sickness... he will be whole again. We KNOW that because we were married and sealed together in God's holy house, that we will be a family, forever. We KNOW that the Lord will continue to provide the strength and comfort that we will need to get through this. We KNOW that God loves us and we are NOT alone.

"When thou are in tribulation, and all these things are come upon thee, even in the latter days, if thou turn to the Lord thy God, and shalt be obedient unto his voice; (For the Lord thy God is a merciful God; he will not forsake thee...)" Deuteronomy 4:30-31

Thank you all for the continued prayers, fasts and for all the love and support!

UPDATE

2010-04-14T23:12:00.008-07:00

Monday

At Ryan's appointment, he was running a slight fever. They did the standard tests to check for any possible infection: blood and urine cultures, and scheduled a CAT scan. We were hoping for chemo, but his platelets were TOO low to receive more. Ryan's platelet count was only at 17 and they need to be at least 50 for more treatment....

Tuesday

Had the CAT scan

Wednesday

All tests came back negative. The CAT scan showed that his pneumonia is improving, but otherwise, nothing new. His hemoglobin was very low and he received two units of red blood for a nice little boost. Again, we were hoping for more chemo, but his platelets were still lagging. They did jump a tad bit ( to 21), but still not nearly enough.

So why NO platelet transfusion to bump up the platelets?

Every time Ryan has a platelet transfusion, his counts only increase by 2 or 3. Since the increase is so small, It would take WAY to many transfusions to get him to 50.

***

Ryan needs chemo in order to help suppress the cancer. Getting the cancer under control will allow him another shot at his brothers stem cells. Right now, Ryan is in limbo waiting for these counts to rise, which is NOT good for his aggressive cancer.

Ryan is still coughing quite a bit because of the pneumonia, but the cough is doing MUCH better. The mucositis is still painful, but Ryan is finally able to get softer foods and certain liquids down.

The next appointment for labs and check up is on Monday.

*Please pray that Ryan can continue to heal and that his counts can rise, so he can start treatment once again*

Keep up the fight Ry

We LOVE you

***GO TEAM RYAN***

HOME!

2010-04-12T01:03:00.004-07:00

Ryan is HOME!

After 24 hours of being fever-free, they decided it was time to give Ryan the BOOT. He has been taking it easy and just enjoying every minute with the family.

He has an appointment today to see if he is ready for more chemo. His platelets need to be at least 50 in order to receive more... as of Saturday, they were only 13.

Let's hope his platelets continue to rise so he can get MORE chemo and get this cancer UNDER control!

***GO TEAM RYAN***

A lot can change in 24 hours...

2010-04-09T16:23:00.007-07:00

In case you didn't read the previous post...Ryan came home yesterday.

Guess where WE are headed?

Did you think since Ryan was released just not even 24 hours ago, that we were hitting the road and getting out of town?

Ha...we wish!

Unfortunately, Ryan was running a fever this morning and they told him he needed to come back in for observation.

So here we are pulling up to Ryan's FAVORITE place:

Good ole' UMC- he just CAN'T get enough of it!

As of yesterday, Ryan has spent 3 of his last 10 months in the hospital. It really has become his 2nd home.

Driving in the car, we realized that Ryan still hadn't even taken these off from yesterday:

GEEZ, he hadn't even been home for 24 hours!!!!!!

BUT, Ryan still continues to be happy...

...and knows that he will just keep ON fighting, whether in the hospital, or at home!

KEEP UP THE FIGHT

***GO TEAM RYAN***

Non-stop SMILES :)

2010-04-08T22:01:00.014-07:00

Ryan had a MUCH better week!

His WBC stayed around 4.2 (which is GREAT), and as the days went on, his mucositis and pneumonia got a little better.

Since Ryan was doing better, we started bringing in the kids to see Ryan. A visit to see Dad wouldn't be complete without:

...some of Dad's food

...love notes

and OF COURSE...

a TEAM RYAN sign

Courtesy of the kids and nieces and nephews

Ryan LOVED each and EVERY second with the kids. He just smiles and watches everything they do- he misses them SO much!

Ryan was even feeling well enough to slurp down a little of this:

~YUM~

see his cute and chubby lil' niece

visit with his sister and nephew

He had such a great visit and a BIG ole' smile on his face!

Why the random IV pole...and where is Ryan?

Here he is...

WITHOUT his "ball and chain"

One night, Ryan was able to get about 6 hours without having to be hooked up to his IV. He was so happy and LOVING the freedom!

As the week went on, and things continued to improve, it was time to start making the transition to going home. Ryan went off the PCA pump and started taking MOST of his meds orally. His fluid retention was still pretty bad and they needed to get the water weight off before he could come home. In one day, he lost about 15 pounds of WATER WEIGHT, and boy it felt great! During the week, he was struggling with his oxygen intake and needed some O2 for walks and nighttime.

Here he is getting ready for a walk

Of course we have to find humor in things...

Ryan frequently joked that he felt like an OLD MAN because he had an oxygen tank.

WHATEV Ry!

We had so much to push around, that we took up MUCH of the hallway. On walks, Ryan pushed his IV pole and whoever was with him, was the lucky PUSHER of this little guy:

Walking was NOT the highlight of Ryan's day, but all the nurses LOVED seeing Ryan out and about!

Then last night (Weds), a little someone pulled her tooth out and was SUPER excited to show her Dad

During her prayer, she said, "Please bless the Tooth Fairy to fly here safely..."

I couldn't help but smile...it was too CUTE?

So WHY are we all still smiling?

????????????

***

???????

????

That's RIGHT!!!!

He's home...and we COULDN'T be happier!

Welcome HOME Ry

WBC on the RISE and some GOOD NEWS!

2010-04-04T22:49:00.009-07:00

So the past few days we've been MIA...

Nothing new- the pneumonia was still lingering, Ryan's mouth was in pain and he had been recieving blood products EVERY day:

(Ryan's red blood is now stable, but his platelets continue to be VERY low)

Between the different meds and lack of sleep, Ryan was exhausted. Since we were not bringing the kids in to visit and he couldn't talk, he often texted Hallie and I to keep in touch. Here he is trying his hardest to text Hallie back:

During this time, Ryan started retaining fluid, gaining about 30 pounds in a couple of days.

So standing HURT like crazy:

Then, over the past few days his WBC went from

.3 => .5 => 2.1 Then today it JUMPED to over 4!

And when the WBC comes up, things start to get a little better!

He has been able to eat a tad bit more...

He was able to visit longer and go for walks...

-&-

Stay awake long enough to watch some conference...

But this is how I knew he was feeling better:

I was in bed resting and I looked up to see Ry on the computer. I asked him what he was up to and he replied, "Just reading..."

Me: What are you reading? (I was pretty sure I knew)

Ryan: Oh, just Motor Trend...

I KNEW he was feeling MUCH better to be reading articles and forums on the Motor Trend website :)

* * *

EASTER SUNDAY

We decided to do something fun for the kids because it had been about a week since they last visited Ryan.

The Easter Bunny left a note saying that something special was waiting for them at the hospital...

They were able to see their Dad and get their Easter baskets. How great it was to be together as a family, not letting a hospital stay get in the way of our fun!

Ryan had a MUCH better day today.

He is improving so much, that he may be coming home in 2-3 days!

We have so much to be thankful for...

Happy Easter

***Go TEAM Ryan***

Counts that DONT want to come up

2010-03-31T23:19:00.015-07:00

Yesterday, the mouth sores and cough still weren't improving much. Luckily, Ryan was not coughing nearly as frequently as he once was before. In the morning, Ryan started running a fever of 102...NOT good. The fever really has the team puzzled because they just can't get on top of this infection and figure out what it could be...

In order to find out EXACTLY what is brewing in those lungs, a bronchoscopy needs to be done:

They have been putting it off since Saturday because Ryan's platelet and WBC count are so low. They don't want to put him at risk of bleeding or getting an infection from the procedure, especially with these counts:

WBC- .2

Platelets- 11

It posses a HUGE RISK.

The pulmonary team is divided. One feels they need to be aggressive and should go ahead with the procedure. Another says, lets wait a day, give a more BROAD spectrum of antibiotics and hope this time...they get on top of it. The third Dr, who is the one we met with, feels torn...she did say though, if it were her husband, she would wait.

Ryan and I both didn't feel good about doing the procedure today. Instead, we put it off until THURSDAY. Hoping and praying that with some time, the new antibiotics will help to improve Ryan's overall health.

Since Ryan's counts were so low yesterday, he got blood products all day long. 2 units of red blood and 1 unit of platelets. They did labs after all the transfusions and his hemoglobin went up from 7.9 to 9.6, but his platelet count DROPPED!

It went from 11 to below 5!

FIVE!?!

He needed more platelets immediately and received more last tonight. The nurses and I kept a VERY close eye on him, to make sure he didn't bump into anything or fall.

(Platelets help your blood clot)

Meanwhile, Ryan received a blessing... something we are very grateful for.

After checking his counts after the 2nd platelet transfusion, they barely climbed from 5 to 7. So in the middle of the night, he received more. His platelet count today was 15.

After the 3 transfusions, his counts still aren't great, but 15 is not NEARLY as dangerous as a count of 5.

TODAY

(Wednesday)

Ryan had a better day today. He ate a little breakfast, showered and was even awake enough to check the last two posts (and comments) on the blog. His mucositis, cough and pneumonia are all about the same. The team is HOPING his white blood count starts the upward climb very soon. They feel as his WBC rises, his mouth and pneumonia will improve greatly!

The team also feels that all the different meds may be doing their job and getting to that infection. Therefore, they feel the bronchoscopy may not be necessary, especially with his platelets so ridiculously low. This afternoon, Ryan had a chest x-ray done to check on the pneumonia. We should get those results back tomorrow...

At this point, there is NO action plan because Ryan's counts are ALWAYS changing.

Being in the hospital is no fun, but Ryan continues to be hopeful and still manages to be silly and make me laugh.

Before I left today, I asked him what he wanted for Easter. I think you know the reply:

"I just want to be out of here"

Keep up the fight Ry, and we'll keep up the prayers!

***GO TEAM RYAN***

Hanging in there...

2010-03-30T01:45:00.006-07:00

Things are still about the same.

The mucositis is bad, the double pneumonia is hanging around and the cough is really thick. Ryan's WBC is still low, but rose to .2 today!

Yesterday, he was having trouble with urinary retention, so he didn't want to take as many pain meds. He was fine as long as he was sleeping, but whenever he woke up... poor mouth, poor Ry!

Since the pain is still very intense, and to help with urinary retention, they are changing up Ryan's pain meds. They also decided to start the PCA pump:

So now, instead of asking for his pain meds... Ryan just pushes this little button:

and some medicine is pumped right into his IV.

It is so hard for him to eat/drink ANYTHING. If he can get something down (when the pain is somewhat under control), he coughs SO much. When it DOES go down, sometimes it comes back up a few minutes later (from coughing...not nausea).

Luckily, he has this HANDY DANDY tool:

It really helps with getting all the mucus and sloughed off skin out of his mouth/throat.

After breakfast, it's usually time to take a shower. The IV has to be covered to keep any moisture out.

So fun to take a shower with tubes and coverings all over you....

YA RIGHT!

But GUESS WHAT?!?

NOT anymore!

The team felt it was best to get rid of the IV and put in a PICC line.

Here's a look:

It is somewhat similar to the the central lines Ryan once had, although this is a smaller line and MUCH less invasive.

Ryan getting his veins checked

There it is...the PICC line before it is inserted

The procedure went GREAT and Ryan is enjoying having his new line.

Even though Ryan isn't feeling great, he is doing a little BETTER than yesterday. He was able to go for a walk today, the first time since THURSDAY!

And through it all, he still manages to crack a smile

Keep FIGHTING Ry

***GO TEAM RYAN***

Fast tomorrow

2010-03-27T08:42:00.011-07:00

The Fellow came in this morning and said they had some results back from the CAT scan.

Ryan for SURE has pneumonia in the left lower lung and possibly some starting on the right.

The pulmonologist later came in to discuss what happens next...to biopsy or not?

Ryan's platelets are still low and they worry about doing anything that can cause bleeding. They have decided to hold off on the biopsy until tomorrow and see if any of the new antibiotics will help.

They are getting the cough under better control and managing the pain very well. He is currently eating breakfast (YAY) and feeling MUCH better then yesterday (WaHOO!)

He will receive another unit of platelets today

KEEP FIGHTING

We are going to be doing a special fast for Ryan tomorrow, please join and spread the word!

(LOTS of pictures below from our trip to Star Valley )

Good times...

2010-03-26T23:14:00.036-07:00

I thought it was time to post some FUN, HAPPY pictures.

If you're not in the mood for looking at beautiful scenery and smiling faces, then this post isn't for you.

I'm warning you now... its gonna be a LONG post.

*ENJOY*

We got on the plane bright and early- 6am. It didn't matter though, everyone was so excited to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house in Star Valley, Wy.

The kids traveled wonderfully and sitting in the front row was an added bonus. Yay for short flights and happy kids.

We were on a tiny plane, so we stepped off the plane right onto the tarmac. Max was in AWE because when he got off the plane, this rolled up right next to us:

Little helper:

Once in the car, we had a 3.5 hour drive home...

Half way home, we had to slow down because we got caught in the middle of a cattle drive.

I ONLY took a picture for the sake of this blog and YOUR viewing pleasure

This guy was probably thinking, "Ugh... tourist"

Once we arrived home, the kids wasted NO time in getting dressed so they could go outside and play. We couldn't have asked for better weather during out stay.

Ryan enjoying the cool winter weather

Does this suit look familiar?

L.O.V.E it!

Throughout most of the trip, Ryan wasn't feeling too good. He had a bad cough that kept him up at night. During the day he was VERY tired and sometimes feverish, so he spent a lot of time sleeping. He was able to rest much and play little. However, from the front room couch he could look out and see this:

Yes, choosing to leave may have been somewhat rash, but it was therapeutic and peaceful. Despite the fact that Ryan wasn't able to get out and play all day like he hoped, he had a great time visiting with family and friends...

Sadly, I didn't take pictures of everyone we were able to visit.

Thank you to EVERYONE who came from near and far...it meant so much- THANK YOU!

The kids had a BLAST sledding and I LOVED being able to capture their joy through the camera

*So MUCH fun*

Ryan got to feeling well enough to come outside for about 15 minutes to pull the kids behind the 4 wheeler.

What a happy RY...

...and Excited kids

Then Ryan let each kid push the gas during a ride

Oh, they loved EVERY minute of it!

Poor Leo, Hallie was bossing him around 24/7. I felt so bad for him, that I went out and bought him some YUMMY biscuits so I could kind of compensate for his "torture"

I love the fact that Ryan's mom saved these SWEET moon boots- SO Napoleon Dynomite

We headed into "town" which is about 10 minutes from Ryan's house... good ole' Afton, Wyoming.

Here is the world's LARGEST Elkhorn Arch:

I was excited to come here:

I love coming here to look at all the toys. You can get good toys for much more reasonable prices. Since the kids were so good traveling, we let them each pick out a toy.

Chillin' at King's while I looked around

Then we went to Rocky Mountain Seafood for dinner- YUMMMmmmm

Max was SO excited to help Grandpa plow the driveway

and I enjoyed making some homemade granola

Ryan stored up enough energy to take Max for a short 4 wheeler ride

...and succeeded at getting it stuck

Max wearing Ryan's jacket from when he was little:

The kids were SO excited to see their cousins from Idaho. They packed so much into the 2 days they saw eachother: crafts, cooking, tv watching, fake nails, GINORMOUS fort making, snow play, hot tubbing and all the laughter (and sometimes tears) that come with visiting cousins

Braiden getting Uncle Ry with his mini light saber/sword

Ryan's little brother, Mitchell also came up with a "friend." It was SO nice to meet his "friend" and see how much the kids LOVED her...

Thank you M & S for being so much FUN as you entertained the kids!

Here we are looking SILLY...

Mitchell said if we shook our face really fast and took a picture it would make our cheeks look crazy. Ummmm... I don't think our cheeks looked crazy, more like our entire face!

LOVE these two guys:

Oh how hard it was to pick from over 300 pictures for this post.

I hope you all enjoyed a little glimpse of the fun we had on our short trip to SV

***

TODAY

Ryan had 2 units of Red Blood and 1 more unit of platelets. His chest X-ray came back positive for Pneumonia, not to worry, some of the doctors feel it is only a VERY mild case. They aren't too concerned because he is currently on so many antibiotics that at least ONE of them will take care of it.

Food/drink wise, he barely got anything down earlier today. They are trying different combinations of meds for pain management. Although, it isn't always the sores that keep him from eating, but the THICK mucus in his throat. The mucus is caused by both his cough/cold and the mucositis.

Tonight, he was finally able to get down one of these containers of tapioca pudding

We made these containers full of thinned out, HIGH CAL soups and puddings. We keep these at the hospital because sometimes the hospital food just isn't very tasty or mouth sore friendly.

If Ryan can't increase his calories in the next few days, he is going to be put on IV nutrition (TPN). Since the mouth sores are SO bad, the doctors said there will be NO chemo on Monday. This will allow Ryan's counts to come up and his mouth to heal.

The kids stopped by today and were eager to see Dad

Ryan's mom called tonight and said he was getting a CAT scan of his chest to check his lungs. We should hopefully get those results tomorrow.

Ryan is fighting the fight and fighting HARD. I am amazed at his strength through all of this and cannot help but think of this scripture, "...blessed is he...that is faithful in tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand." Doctor and Covenants 122:5&9

How grateful I am for his example of strength and courage, and most importantly, for a loving Heavenly Father that hears and answers prayers.

KEEP FIGHTING RYAN

***GO TEAM RYAN***

In the BIG HOUSE...again

2010-03-25T20:24:00.020-07:00

THURSDAY

Ryan was admitted today to the hospital.

His WBC was .2 and he is getting Neupogen shots to give it a boost.

His mouth sores are SO bad that he wasn't eating much at home. With his weight down to 138 pounds, they want him on stronger pain meds that will help him eat.

Ryan has had 2 platelet transfusions in the last 12 hours because his counts were so low.

Keep.FIGHTING.Ry

FAITH.HOPE.MIRACLES

***GO TEAM RYAN***

Round II and mouth sores

2010-03-24T17:53:00.010-07:00

MONDAY

During Ryan's appointment his labs came back showing that his WBC and hemoglobin weren't too bad, but his platelets were pretty low. The Nurse Practitioner examined his liver and spleen and felt the size was about the same. Once she looked inside his mouth, she realized the mucositis (mouth sores) were BAD! So, the Nurse Practitioner left to discuss with Dr. Persky what to do about treatment...

More chemo, or not?

Dr. Persky felt that for any other patient with that level of platelets and mouth sores, holding off chemo for a week would be the best option. However, he feels it is both necessary and crucial to be VERY aggressive during treatment and wanted to go ahead with the chemo. Unfortunately, Ryan's body has to pay the price for it.

He did tell Ryan that would probably mean lower counts and worse mouth sores. Ryan understood, and gave the "OK" to proceed...

Here he is getting fluids before his chemo

SINCE THEN...

The mouth sores are ALL over now: upper lip, lower lip, cheeks, under tongue and coating his entire throat.

So what does that mean?

Drinking hurts, eating is practically impossible and most things burn when it goes down.

Ryan's mom has been working like crazy to find things he wants to eat and that can go down easily. Last night she made a HIGH CAL broccoli soup that he was able to sip down. It took a good 40 minutes to drink about 1 c, but he did it! We were all SO very very excited!

He has an appointment tomorrow for a check up and labs

Keep FIGHTING Ry

***GO TEAM RYAN***

2010-03-22T11:22:00.005-07:00

Here is just a SNEAK PEAK of our getaway to Star Valley, Wyoming

It was a fun and MUCH needed trip.

We saw family and friends and had a wonderful time.

We left a little early because the side effects of the chemo were starting to kick in.

Ryan's mouth and throat are now coated with sores and he has been getting fevers.

He has his appointment today in about an hour.

He's still fighting and full of hope and faith.

***GO TEAM RYAN***

2010-03-15T22:48:00.013-07:00

This past week, Ryan has felt exceptionally well and he has taken FULL advantage of it.

From Home Depot to the Farmer's Market, he is getting it ALL in.

He's spent a little bit each day doing this:

All his hard work has DEFINITELY been paying off:

The kids have LOVED having Ryan home and feeling SO good!

Green Valley Farmers Market

(This guy sells the BEST apples)

I HEART my boys:

Then on Friday, Ryan and I were able to attend the Mesa Temple.

There is no other place to feel such PEACE and COMFORT...

what a blessing to live near a temple

***

TODAY

We arrived at the Cancer Center @ 7:30 for labs and an appointment with the Nurse Practitioner.

They decided that even though his counts weren't up high enough, they could NOT afford to put off Chemo any longer. They will start Ry on Pralatrexate and monitor him to see how it affects his counts.

The Nurse Practitioner seemed much more hopeful and positive. Something that was VERY needed after last weeks appointment.

The chemo, Pralatrexate is given once a week for 6 weeks and the major side effects are mouth sores and GI tract sensitivity...nothing Ryan hasn't dealt with before.

There it is:

Isn't it crazy how that little syringe of CHEMO can do SO much damage?!?!?!

So once Ryan came home, he decided to work on the car

...and change the oil

Since Ryan is feeling pretty good and doesn't have to be back for another week...

We are taking off...

Our plane leaves @ 6am and we are headed here:

Star Valley, WY

Ryan is going to FIGHT this "monster" like no other, as he keeps living life to it's fullest!

***GO TEAM RYAN***

Faith and MIRACLES...

2010-03-09T21:05:00.004-07:00

I know so many of you are wondering how the appointment went on Monday...

I don't even know what to say to answer that question. To say it went well or good, would be a complete lie. I won't even bother with statistics... I will just outline what was said:

-There is NO cure at this point

The ONLY cure would have been a successful transplant, meaning no relapse of cancer...Ryan's was not successful.

So what are Ryan's options?

-Do nothing, let things take their course...

THIS IS WHERE THE MIRACLE WILL TAKE PLACE

-Start chemo to try and get the cancer under control. If they cannot get the cancer under control, the next step cannot happen. Once under control, Ryan could then get more of his brothers cells.

Those cells will then go in, beat the cancer and put Ryan into remission.

If the cancer then comes back again...it's back for good.

Ryan's counts are too low to start chemo now, so he goes back on Monday to check. If his counts are up, he will probably start chemo next week.

We are faithful and putting complete trust in the Lord.

THANK YOU ALL for the prayers...keep them coming!

***GO TEAM RYAN***

It's back...

2010-03-04T20:34:00.003-07:00

The biopsies both confirmed that the cancer is indeed back in both the liver and bone marrow. We are devastated from today's news.

Ryan is back home from the hospital and we meet with a lymphoma specialist on Monday to talk about what happens next.

I will let you know when we know more...

Thank you for the prayers!

♥

Margie and Ryan

***GO TEAM RYAN***

Last day of biopsies

2010-03-03T19:50:00.013-07:00

Ryan got back from surgery, alone and in pain. Luckily, the combo of post-anesthesia grogginess and pain meds helped Ryan to get some sleep and a little more comfortable. He did need more transfusions (platelets and blood), so they started with the platelets first. He wasn't alone for too long, after only a few hours he was greeted by some very special visitors... his parents!

He slept on and off for most of the evening. When he was awake, he was in pain and really uncomfortable. Laying down put too much pressure on his chest, laying upright made him slide down the bed. He kept saying, "I just want to sleep on my stomach." One time I jokingly replied, "Ry, that's like me wanting to ride a bike after having a kid... it's just NOT gonna happen."

So after adjusting the bed and himself MANY times... we finally got him comfortable:

...completely upright with the foot of the bed inclined and some pillows under each arm :)

Tonight he has been woken up for vitals, pain meds and to empty this guy:

the Jackson-Pratt drain.

During the night he would wake up and say (as his eyes were rolling to the back of his head) that crackers and cheese sounded good. I told him I would go to the store, but he was usually half asleep and telling me to stay, not go. After two times of talking about crackers and cheese, I headed off to the store for a late night snack.

When I got back to the room, Ryan was WIDE AWAKE and VERY excited.

Here he is after he was finished:

Such a HAPPY Ry!

It's GREAT what some rest, better position and a little morphine and OXI will do for you!

He is now comfortable and asleep... probably dreaming about cars, 1970 Chevy Trucks and other such things.

Lastly, I couldn't forget this lovely picture form my littlest photographer. An up close picture of my bed tonight

...the window seat.

How happy I am to be here tonight. After a week of being husband-less at night, we are TOGETHER once again.

I also need to give a special thanks to the WONDERFUL staff here. There are some nurses that really go ABOVE and BEYOND, and it means so much!

Thank you for all your hard work and for making this stay as GOOD as it could be.

***GO TEAM RYAN***

Waiting...

2010-03-03T11:19:00.003-07:00

What to do when dad is gone and you are waiting for him to come out of surgery?

Watch a movie and drink some apple juice.

I talked with the cardiothoracic surgeon and she said that the surgery went GREAT! They were able to take a quality piece of the pericardium to biopsy and Ryan has a drainage tube in to help with any remaining fluid they didn't get out.

So far all is well. Ryan is still in post op and we are waiting to hear any news of the liver biopsy...

***GO.TEAM.RYAN***

Team Ryan- Fight CANCER together

A year ago today...

Surprise!

Time for an update:

♥,

Merry Christmas

Friends ARE forever...

Love Letters...

Sneak Peak

Oh HAPPY Day...

Needed PRAYERS

Notes

Phone Calls...

Things found...

A special BIRTHDAY surprise

Car Conversations...

Pretty NEAT...

4th of July reminiscing...

Thank YOU!

A telling fortune...

POSTS COMING SOON

The journey...

Not done yet...

Memorial Service Information

Happiness...

Prayers for the Harder's

Feeling SO good...

This past week...

*UPDATE*

HOME!

A lot can change in 24 hours...

Non-stop SMILES :)

WBC on the RISE and some GOOD NEWS!

Counts that DONT want to come up

Hanging in there...

Fast tomorrow

Good times...

In the BIG HOUSE...again

Round II and mouth sores

Faith and MIRACLES...

It's back...

Last day of biopsies

Waiting...

UPDATE